Let me say this
right up front - I don't recall slaughtering any Indians. Nor did I
forcibly relocate any onto reservations in order to build log cabins
on their land. (I'm pretty sure my house was vacant before I rented
it.) Even if offered the chance to slaughter Indians, I doubt I'd
take it - I'm just not the athletic type.
I admit it's possible someone with my last name
hung a few Indian scalps on his belt. If so, I've never met him - we
don't invite him to the family reunions because he's been dead for
several centuries. But that unknown, possibly nonexistant ancestor
isn't here to take the rap and now I've got cartoon characters
telling me it's my fault. The new film Pocahontas may be a shining
example of Disney animation and cross-promotion technology, but the
implications of this flick disturb me.
If I followed the story accurately, Pocahontas and
her fellow Native Americans were singing show tunes, protecting the
ozone layer, and keeping our National Parks tidy when some
overweight Europeans showed up, cut down all the talking trees, and
started making life generally unpleasant, albeit profitable. The
Europeans then proceeded to reproduce like crazy, the end result of
which was me. Somehow this means I have to buy Burger King soda
glasses with raccoons etched into them to make up for it all. And
I'm just not sure that's fair.
Don't get me wrong - I'm ready to state right here
and now that the Indians got a raw deal on the whole America thing.
I'll also stipulate that the next time I oppress a native people I
expect to be severely reprimanded and made to pay a fine or
something. But that's me personally I'm talking about. All the
Indian oppression depicted in Pocahontas happened before I was born,
and I can prove it.
So why should I be sorry for this specific slice
of human history? It's not like Caucasians invented genocide. (Sure,
we did make it something of an art form.) Entire cultures
and races have been getting the tar whipped out of them from the
dawn of time all the way through last Tuesday, so why is the
American Indian the only one we should be getting dewy-eyed over? I
don't see anyone getting bent out of shape over the Vanishing
Hittite. Where are the movies about the beauty and grandeur that was
the Etruscan civilization? I hope that one wasn't my fault, too - I
already have too many drinking glasses.
Let's go back even farther: Neanderthal Man
occupied all of Europe until he got wiped out by Cro-Magnon Man -
the forefather of us all, Indians included. Neanderthal Man also
controlled your high school - at least he did mine - but time has
favored those of us who learned skills instead. Now we've relocated
those ex-football players to bowling alleys and episodes of
America's Most Wanted, and aren't things an awful lot nicer because
of it?
But okay, suppose we say "screw this whole
natural selection fad! Let's roll up our guilt-ridden sleeves and
start dispensing some feel-good cosmic justice!" First, we
petition IBM to give their billions to the Coleco people. Hulk
Hogan, call your service - Robert deNiro wants to apologize for
taking that Taxi Driver role away from you. And doesn't every human
being owe something to the ten million other sperm who DIDN'T get
into the egg? How about a three-picture deal to make up for it, my
little zygote friends? Be sure to tell Dad we said hi.
And if any Neanderthals are reading this - sorry,
we now realize you had dibs on France all along. Just say the word
if you'd like it back. We're pretty much done with it, anyway.
Why don't we do this? Because it would be silly,
that's why. Life is all about struggle, and if you succeed you get
to enjoy the proceeds. Even the concentrated power of the Disney
marketing machine can't rewrite the laws of nature.
I suppose the politically correct reaction to
these sentiments will be:
"Sure, make your jokes, Mr. American Anglo-Saxon
oppressor! But let's put YOU on the receiving end of somebody else's
manifest destiny and see how you like it!"
To which I say anybody who thinks they should
drive the civilization bus is free to try and grab the wheel. And
since nobody's lucky streak lasts forever, I'm sure someday we too
will forfeit North America's pink slip to the Eskimos or the
dolphins or the Ebola Virus or what have you. And this too is fine
by me. After all, I'm not claiming we should be in charge - I'm
merely pointing out that for the moment, we are.
Doesn't that suggest we did something right?
I think it does, even if Disney doesn't. The film
conveniently glosses over this important historical detail: the
Indians lost. Our doughy white forefathers mopped the continental
floor with them. And if Disney wants me to make amends, fine - I'll
do that as soon as Disney donates all the profits from Pocahontas to
the producers of Waterworld, with a note reading "Oops, we made
a much better film than you did and we're just SICK about it."
This "guilt of the fittest" is a new
trend with us, not just as a culture, but as a species. (Are any
other species doing this? Are the lions offering the gazelles cash
settlements yet? Shame on them if they aren't.) Humans don't seem to
be in danger of being pushed off the top of the food chain.
Apparently we're planning to jump off instead. We've even taken to
apologizing to whales and owls and trees as if it's our fault they
can't cut the Twentieth Century mustard.
As far as the Anglo-Saxon stranglehold on North
America goes, I suspect that's nearly over already. In fact, it may
be the Indians' turn again soon, if this guilt campaign keeps
working. The few Indians we left behind are enjoying a tremendous
vogue - they're getting all the good press, plus some hefty
government benefits. My side won, but I can't build a casino on
my land.
And witness the "return to tribal beliefs"
craze - of which Pocahontas is a symptom - currently sweeping the
country. Rumor has it that all Western science and culture is just
plain evil. Sure, it gave us the polio vaccine and Liquid Prell, but
let's reject all that and start praying to Sierra Club wolf posters
and shiny rocks and get back to the Oneness and Cosmic Being-hood
that the Indians once enjoyed. You gotta admit, they were one
spiritually centered vanquished people.
It would be the Native American's final revenge if
the same philosophy that doomed them someday dooms us as well. So
let's all become spiritual as heck - and easy prey for the next
person who picks up the rock we're worshipping and smacks us over
the head with it.
It would serve us right if we let that happen.
(And I hope we'll be better sports about it than the Indians have
been.) Because if the story of Pocahontas has taught us anything, it
is this: Paint in all the colors of the wind if you like - just
don't start whining when you find out the other guy spent his time
inventing the flintlock.
